The Inbox Strikes Back
by TaintedAngel26
Summary: A collection of phone messages in various characters' inboxes. Currently considered complete--but I may do a new chapter later. NEW LANDO CALRISSIAN CHAPTER NOW UP!
1. Luke Skywalker's Jedi Academy Antics

The Inbox Strikes Back

DISCLAIMER- I do not own any of these characters, and unfortunately not Star Wars.

BEEP! _Greetings, you've reached the New Jedi Academy comlink on Yavin IV. We are unable to—Master Skywalker, please. We're trying to make this official—um, take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep and we will return your transmission as soon as we have vanquished all—I AM NOT GOING TO REDO THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE I SAID "UM!"—vanquished all remaining Sith Lords. Our sincerest apologies for Master Skywalker's unprofessional conduct—Luke, you can't fire me! I—_BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, Luke. It's your sister. Just wanted to let you know that Jacen and Jaina are having a great holiday. Han may call you soon…there's something he needs to discuss with you. No offense, but you may want to re-record your inbox greeting. It doesn't really sound professional.

BEEP! Luke, it's your wife Mara. Ben told me that you may have accidentally taken his stuffed wampa with you…I know he's too old for that kind of thing but he really wants it back. Come home soon, honey. BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, this is Tatooine Movie Rental calling for Mr. Skywalker. Your rental copy of _Bilbo the Friendly Krayt Dragon_ is now, like, over a decade overdue. Would you mind returning it sometime this millennium? Sorry but my boss is really mad…BEEP!

BEEP! Hi Uncle Luke. This is your favorite nephew Jacen. Having fun??? Mom is kinda worried…she wants you to come to Coruscant pronto, but you know Mom. Um, by the way, have you figured out who spray-painted your speeder pink with blue Ewoks on it? I'm just wondering. Let me know if you find out who it was. BEEP!

BEEP! SKYWALKER THIS IS YOUR BRO-IN-LAW. I AM CRAZY MAD AT YOU! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LET MY SON RIDE THE HOOD OF YOUR SPEEDER! IF YOU EVEN DARE TO BRING YOUR SORRY HIDE TO CORUSCANT BE ASSURED THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SERIOUS CHAT, JUNIOR! BEEP!

BEEP! Hi Uncle Luke. This is your nephew Anakin. Um, I just thought I should let you know that Lowbacca didn't, uh, _repaint_ your speeder. It was Jacen. By the way, if you tell Jacen that I told you, I'm quitting the Jedi Academy. BEEP!

BEEP! Dad. The stuffed wampa. Now. BEEP!

BEEP! Well, well, well, if it isn't little Skywalker at last! I'm not calling from the belly of that Sarlacc by the way, I'm calling from Coruscant. Yes, I, with my brilliant intellect, weaseled my way out of that one. However, I'm still trying to kill you. Pay me a visit sometime, huh? BEEP!

BEEP! Hello Luke Skywalker! This is Shaak Ti calling! So, the Jedi thing is back? Cool beans! Anyway, I'm coming to your Academy-thing on Yavin IV to check it out. Um…in case you don't know who I am, I'm that red, horned Jedi gal from the Battle of Geonosis. I survived the Purge and hid from your dad for twenty-some years, and developed a new line of fashionable lightsabers while I was in hiding! How COOL is that? Anyway, enough chat-chat. I'm coming by…and you wouldn't by any chance have a teaching position open? If you do, I'm _so_ there! Bye-bye! BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Skywalker, Tatooine Movie Rental again. Quite frankly, I don't care if that movie got stuck in a Death Star garbage masher. I WANT IT RETURNED! Thank you _very_ much, master Jedi! BEEP!

BEEP! I _know_ the Death Stars have been destroyed, Mr. Skywalker! By the way, my boss says you have until 0300 hours tomorrow to return that blasted film. Isn't it a little young for you, anyway? BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, Mr. Skywalker. This is _Popular Jedi_ magazine calling. Just a reminder that your cover photo shoot is scheduled for Friday at 0200. BEEP!

BEEP! Hi Master Skywalker. This is Master Shaak Ti again. Um, I am on Yavin IV—in the complete wilderness! I'm somewhere by this old abandoned temple…can you give me directions from here to your Academy?

BEEP! Luke, this is Wedge. I just found out that you put, like, 5000 credits worth of magazine subscriptions on my GalactaBank account! What's the deal, man? Remember the days of Rogue Squadron? Would I do the dirty on you like that? I don't think so. By the way, have you signed me up for some kind of Kaminoan dating program? Because I'm really not interested. At all. BEEP!

BEEP! It's Shaak Ti. That IS the Academy? OK…I'm coming, I guess. Frankly I was expecting a bit more…modern facilities. But we should be thankful that the Jedi are back in action, right? (nervous laughter). So, I'm coming…BEEP!

BEEP! This _Popular Jedi_ again. Great photo shoot, Skywalker…but I guess I should tell you that our inbox has been inundated with comments such as "What's the deal with Monkey Boy on the cover?" No offense, just thought I should tell you.

BEEP! LUKE SKYWALKER! This is your EX-best friend Wedge Antilles—with an emphasis on the EX. I walked into a bar on Coruscant last night and found a group of twenty female Kaminioans waiting for their "dream date"—apparently me! This has gone too far. I expect a darn good explanation!!! BEEP!

**Good morning, NotAFarmBoy22, you have 86 unread emails.**


	2. Anakin Skywalker's Unfortunate Interview

BEEP! _Hi, you've reached Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight._ _ I am unable to receive your transmission right now, most probably because I am arguing with the Jedi Council on why they won't make me a MASTER—ahem!—teaching the younglings how to swear in Huttese, discussing, uh, _politics_ with Senator Amidala, or flying around the galaxy like the starfighter ace that I am with Obi-Wan Kenobi, maiming my enemies left and right. If you want to check out my picture on the cover of_ Coruscant Hotties_, go right ahead. By the way, if you send me a rude transmission, you will pay. Don't worry—I know where you live…_BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, Ani. It's your wife. Just calling to make sure you didn't park your airspeeder illegally again—one ticket was enough! By the way, you may want to rerecord the inbox greeting to something a little more…professional, OK? BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, Anakin. Obi-Wan calling. Try to make it to the council meeting today. I remember that your last excuse was "I need to use the refresher." That doesn't take two standard hours, Anakin. Mace didn't buy it. Yoda didn't buy it. Nobody bought it. So if you're trying to strengthen your rep, I would at least come up with a more valid excuse. By the way, don't you think your greeting is a little…questionable? BEEP!

BEEP! Good morning, Anakin Skywalker! We have the perfect credit card for you! No more high interest rates! No more woes in tax season! And no more borrowing of your Padawan's or Master's accounts! Choose the Republic Bank of Coruscant (RBC). This amazing offer comes with a superb credit limit of 89,999 Republic Credits, which you could start spending today! Plus, get SpaceMiles with every purchase at participating locations! So call now! Offer ends tomorrow, so hurry! BEEP!

(Translated from droid language)

BEEP! Hi, Anakin, it's R2-D2. Padme wanted me to tell you that she is really ticked off at you for parking illegally AGAIN and refuses to pay for this new ticket. I repeat, really ticked off. Don't hold it against me, Anakin. I'm just the droid. Keep on trucking buddy. BEEP!

BEEP! Anakin, you've missed five council meetings. Why? And I'm not going to waste my time commenting on your latest excuse. OK, I admit it was better than the previous "I needed to use the refresher" one, but seriously—"I volunteered to give bantha rides at the Coruscant Zoo?" No way. Windu out. BEEP!

BEEP! Master Anakin, this is C-3P0, human-cyborg relations. Miss Padme says that she is sleeping in her old apartment until you pay the fine on your speeder and apologize. She would also like a box of Naboo chocolates…R2, how rude! Really, Master Anakin, I don't believe how this little droid can—BEEP!

BEEP! Yoda it is. Change your greeting, you must. At this rate, a master you will never be. If you do not attend the next meeting, expelled from the order you are. BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Anakin Skywalker, this is Coruscant Public Library. Your books "How to Break the Jedi Code in 5 Easy Steps" is now three years, twenty-five weeks and four days overdue. Do you think you could return it some time this decade? Would be appreciated. Your fines are outstanding, no matter what happened to the book. BEEP!

BEEP! Hey, dude! Aayla Secura! Um, you didn't _really_ tattoo your arm with skulls, did you? 'Cuz that's what I heard you said in that magazine interview…by the Force, just wait till Kenobi finds out! He he he, you're dead meat, Skywalker! No offense. Sorry, I've always wanted to do evil laughter on somebody's comlink message recorder. Anyway, 'til later. BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, Anakin. It's Obi-Wan. I have to go to this family reunion thing on Alderaan. Can you house-sit my apartment while I'm gone? Thanks. BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Skywalker, this is Coruscant Traffic Control. You need to pay your fine by Tuesday, or we will have to put you under house arrest. Also, you were caught speeding in front of the Galactic Senate yesterday in your airspeeder at approximately 200 miles above the speed limit. We'll have to charge you for that one, big time. That will be 10,000 Republic Credits, in cash. By tomorrow. Have a nice day. BEEP!

BEEP! Coruscant Public Library. The book which you requested, "Parenting for Temperamental Jedi" has come in and is on hold for you for seven standard days. As for your fines, I really don't care whether you used the pages for an origami festival or whether you donated it to a reek for winter reading. As I said before. The fines are still outstanding. And, given your record at the library, I can tell you already that you cannot use your Master's bank account to pay for it. That will be 7238 Republic Credits. Today. BEEP!

BEEP! Anakin, it's Master Windu. Yeah, in the future I would appreciate it if you addressed me as _Master_. Well, I should be glad that you finally showed up to a meeting. By the way, Aayla told me all about what you said in that interview…and I'm not talking about the skulls. I'm not even talking about your descriptions of Senator Amidala. I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU COMPARED MY NAME TO A BRAND OF WINDOW CLEANER! _WIND__U_=_WIND__EX__?_ I. Don't. Think. So. Consider yourself expelled until restitution can be made. BEEP!

BEEP! This is Ki-Adi-Mundi. I did not appreciate what you said about me in that interview. I am not a ponytailed egghead. Be warned. BEEP!

BEEP! Kit Fitso here. If you thought it was funny calling me an oversized frog in that interview, you've never been more wrong. BEEP!

BEEP! ANAKIN SKYWALKER! How dare you call be a blueberry—in print! Heads will roll, Skywalker. Beware the wrath of Aayla Secura. BEEP!

BEEP! This is Obi-Wan, who usually has the patience of a saint, especially with you. Hah, where do I begin? The interview? Yes, I bet saying all those things about the Jedi made you feel just great, didn't it? But how about my apartment? I come in today to find my walls spray painted pink, my chairs covered in molasses, nerf steak burning in my oven, and "Anakin was Here" scorched into my bedroom wall with a lightsaber! So I just have one question: you, or Ahsoka? BEEP!

BEEP! MasteritwasmewhotrashedObi-Wan'sroompleasedon'tkillme! BEEP!

BEEP! Anakin, son, this is Chancellor Palpatine. I'm quite pleased with your interview. It is only natural. They restrained your power, and you wanted revenge. It's not the first time. Remember when you told me about your mother and the sandpeople? Remember what I told you last night at the opera: the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. If you like, I can suggest some further reading at the Coruscant Library. BEEP!

BEEP! Master Skywalker, this is Ben from the Jedi Younglings, Class A. Is it true that you will teach us how to vandalize the council records tomorrow? We are all so excited. We have even started out own secret Poker club at the temple, thanks to your teachings. And guess what? Jack wrote, "I am a sleemo" all over Master Yoda's chamber walls yesterday! He is so happy that you taught him Huttese! BEEP!

BEEP! My name is Boba Fett. You killed my father. Prepare to die…hang, on. This isn't Mace Windu. Wrong number. Sorry. BEEP!

**Good morning, MASTER!Skywalker. You have 287 unread emails. **


	3. Darth Maul's Valentine's Day

BEEP! _You've reached Darth Maul on Coruscant. I am unable to take your transmission right now. Most probably I am getting a facial, having my horns polished, completing a mission for my master, or eliminating all the Jedi scum with my awesome double-blade red lightsaber. If you value your life, you'd better hope I don't get back to you…oh, by the way, Happy Valentine's Day!_ BEEP!

BEEP! Hi Darthie, this is Mommy calling! Just making sure that my little sweetheart has enough clean socks for the summer. And I'm sending you a whole box of my homemade chocolate cookies just for Valentine's Day. I hope you're having loads of fun. Mommy loves you, Muffin. BEEP!

BEEP! Hey, Maul, it's your little bro, Bob. I got you the most amazing gift for Valentine's Day—I'm so not telling 'til it gets there! You'll love it…BEEP!

BEEP! Good morning _DARTH MAUL_! We have the perfect college option for Sith Lords like you! Are you tired of blindly doing your master's bidding? Then study at the University of Korriban, where you can find your inner potential for any profession! Have you ever considered bantha-herding? How about working in a comlink factory? Maybe being the administrator of a Holonet dating program? Or how about just pursuing your Force studies? All this and much, much more can be achieved when you enroll in the university! So remember: choose the University of Korriban, where Sith dreams come true. Apply today!

(offernotopentoanyoneundertheageof537wedonotacceptseparatistssmugglersthosewhoarenotForcesensitiveoranySithwithunusualbellybuttonsofferendsin24hoursfinalresultsmayvary.) BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, Mr. Maul, this is Master Windu from the Jedi Temple. One of my fellow council members tells me that you run a carpet cleaning service. Could you come by my place tomorrow morning to tackle my carpet stains? BEEP!

BEEP! Lord Maul. This is your master. I have an important mission for you. Meet me at Starbucks at 0200 tomorrow. I sense I great disturbance in the Force…something only a mocha frappe can cure. BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Maul, this is _Coruscant Hotties_ magazine calling. Your entry for our cover contest has been disqualified. The rules clearly state that the entrant's face must not be adorned, decorated, tattooed, or painted in any way. Try again next time, minus the facial work. BEEP!

BEEP! Dees being Boss Nass from de planet Naboo. You Sith, all bombad. BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, this is Captain Kirk calling for Mr. Spo—hang on, wrong galaxy. How the heck did I get connection? Never mind. Forget I called. (that was awkward…) But if you are ever interested in boldly going where no man has gone before, call me. BEEP!

BEEP! Lord Maul, this is your master again. I thank you for buying me a coffee yesterday…all those Force studying instrument do cost a pretty penny, and I'm glad to see that you appreciate what I'm doing for you. However, I should like to address a certain matter with you. It regards a great number of magazine subscriptions placed on _my _GalactaBank account. My feelings on this matter are perfectly clear, my young apprentice…he he he…BEEP!

BEEP! Good afternoon, Mr. Maul. We at Galactic Greetings have the perfect savings for you on this special day! What better way to tell that special someone that you love her than with our imported Alderaanian dark chocolates? We also have a new selection of stuffed pink wampas that will certainly do the trick. And, we even have greeting cards which play the Star Wars theme or Imperial March REALLY LOUD when you open it! Come to any of our Coruscant locations today and tell her "Happy Valentine's Day" in a way that's sure to touch her heart! BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Maul, I'm still wondering if you could clean my carpets. If not, I'll just call someone else…BEEP!

BEEP! Happy Valentine's Day from Magic Makeovers, Coruscant branch! Just calling to remind Mr. Maul of his horn polishing and facial appointment tomorrow at 1400. Thanks. BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, it's Bob again. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T READ!!! I felt sure you would love _The Happy Sith Lord_!!! Ah well, send it back so I can get a refund. By the way, I've been getting message from this guy called Kirk who keeps talking about this guy called Slock—or Spock--saying something about living long and prospering…do you know anything about this? Have you redirected his calls to me? Cuz it's getting a little annoying. BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Maul, don't miss HoloDating's newest Valentine's Day offer. Review your matches for free today for a limited time only! Aren't you curious who a good-looking guy like you would be paired with? You may just find that special someone you've been searching for! Hurry, offer ends tomorrow! BEEP!

BEEP! Maul, I need the dough. Could you please send the book back! BEEP!

BEEP! I'm sorry, Mr. Maul, but HoloDating holds no responsibility for the validity of your matches. In other words, it's not your fault that you were matched with Jabba the Hutt. BEEP!

BEEP! Hello, Darth Maul. If you want to block telemarketing just block our transmissions on your comlink, OK? There's really no need for such language. We were only trying to give you Valentine's Day gift ideas…at a relatively low price! BEEP!

**Good morning, your_lightsaber_sucks_compared_to_mine****, you have 2,587 unread emails. **


	4. Princess Leia's Snowy Nightmare

BEEP! _Hi,, you've reached Leia Organa—that's _Princess_ Leia, _Senator_ Organa and NOT Your Worshipfulness to you—at the Hoth rebel base. I can't take your transmission right now, most probably because I am TRYING to teach that Tatooine farmboy the ropes, getting into another heated and utterly pointless argument with Han Solo_—(Han's voice) Watch it, Your Worshipfulness!—_Han, I told you not to call me that! Are you deaf as a Mynock? By the Force, this guy is going to send me to a mental institution before_—(Han's voice) I hear they have a nice one on Naboo!—_I'm sorry. You see what goes on here…anyway, I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. HAN SOLO YOU"RE DEAD! GENERAL RIEEKAN!_ BEEP!

BEEP! Your Highness, General Rieekan. Hobbie and Dak got themselves into some trouble. Our scouts inform us that it may have something to do with a wampa. They're out looking for him now. Briefing at 1500. Over. BEEP!

BEEP! Hey, Sweetheart. I really enjoyed reading your HoloDiary yesterday…and that glowing report on ME! But am I at all surprised? And the Rogue Squadron guys found it really interesting, too. And how about Luke? He enjoyed it, too, as well as your use of adjectives when describing his _eyes_! NEXT TIME TRY ELABORATING ON HIS NOSTRILS! BEEP!

BEEP! As if _I_ would be jealous of that farmkid! If you wanna see a nerfherder, look up _Skywalker_ in the HoloNetBook! I mean, that kid is stupid gone wild! BEEP!

BEEP! Good morning, Miss Organa, this is _Alderaan Beauty_ magazine. Due to the unfortunate destruction of our wonderfully fashionable planet, we have cancelled production and all subscriptions—including yours—are void. Sorry, but at least you got to be on the cover before the press got blown up! BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, Leia, it's Luke. Uh, Han read me all that stuff in your diary…do you seriously think that Han has eyes like pools of mud on Dagobah? I just wanted to check…I doubt that he read it right. See you at the briefing. BEEP!

BEEP! Rieekan again. Change of schedule…we've had to postpone the briefing until further notice. Scouts have found Dak and Hobbie in an ice cave. Wampa written all over it. Both unconscious. Being brought back to Echo Base as we speak. Will be questioned as soon as they wake up. Over. BEEP!

BEEP! Congratulation, _PRINC-ESS LE-IA!_ We at _Naboo Style_ magazine have given you the award for "Most Original Hairstyle Since Queen Amidala's Famous Horns"!!! Give us a call to confirm, and we print your picture in our next issue AND give you a free stand at our annual Galactic Hair Stylists Convention, where you can give live demonstrations on how to execute your signature cinnamon buns style! Call today, and we thank you for being a shining star in the fashion world! BEEP!

BEEP! This is Boba Fett, expert smuggler for Jabba the Hutt. My boss saw your picture on the cover of _Alderaan Beauty_ last month (please, don't ask), and he is wondering if you've ever tried a bikini style. He thought it would look good. BEEP!

BEEP! Rieekan. Briefing in an hour. Just beginning to interrogate Hobbie…Dak still unconscious. I'll put on the man in question. (static, Hobbie's voice, slurred singing to Star Wars theme) _Thdar Warth…noding bud Thdar Warth…oh, noding bud Thdar Warth…on thcreen for YOU!!!_ Hey, I dink I remembered de wordth do dat thong…id'th a good thong, righd? Yeah….I'm tho happy…Hey, who are you? Whad'th your name? AAAAHHH! Are you one of dem? Yeah…Id'th Darth Vader! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! No, waid. Id'th juthd my…my teddy bear…and my r-rubber chicken…led'th dance…oh, don't be thy…(static, Rieekan's voice) Now you see, Highness. The doctor says he's drunk. I think the cold was too much for him. I'll let you know when Dak regains consciousness. And you may want to send a transmission to Senator Mon Mothma. She may like to know that her son mistook me for Darth Vader, and then a rubber chicken. Over. BEEP!

BEEP! Leia, this is Mon Mothma. I'm terribly sorry about my son's behavior. There is no excuse. I'll contact him as soon as he's well. Good luck, and may the Force be with you. BEEP!

BEEP! Miss Organa, this is Alderaan—uh, Delaya—Beauty and Spa calling. Yeah, we obviously had to relocate. So your hair appointment for Friday at 1700 still stands. And would you like your nails done, too? BEEP!

BEEP! Good afternoon, it's Delayan Blasters Ltd. calling to confirm that the blaster you ordered has just come in. We'll be holding it for three weeks. And, yes, it is guaranteed to puncture even the thickest smuggler's hides. BEEP!

BEEP! _Good morning, good morning, we've talked the whole night through! Good morning, good morning, to you!_ BEEP!

BEEP! General Doddona. If you're wondering, it was Wes. Last night he was seen running around the main hangar bay in a bantha costume, drinking excessive amounts of Red Bull, calling anyone he could think of, and sending them such messages. My apologies. Hmm, it seems that Rogue Squadron is getting a little rowdy as of late…BEEP!

BEEP! Rieekan. Hobbie's recovering. Condition has been confirmed. Shock. Too cold out there. Add that to the fact that he admits he went out in nothing but his boxers and sunglasses…BEEP!

BEEP! Good evening, sweet maiden! Hahaha! Is your refrigerator—hahaha—running? (hiccups) GO CATCH IT! Hahaha, betcha never heard (hiccups) that one before! BEEP!

BEEP! Doddona. Don't ask. It was Wes on the Red Bull again. BEEP!

BEEP! BEEEEEDOOOPBEEEEDDEEEEBOOOP! BEEP!

(Translated from R2-D2's Droid Language: Han says you better not come into the briefing hall. I agree.)

BEEP! It's Luke. WHAT??? They blew up a page of your diary and posted it on the wall of the briefing room? I'd put my money on Wedge. BEEP!

BEEP! Wedge Antilles. I swear it wasn't me. And you can tell that double-crossing little farmboy that he'd better start getting concerned about the security of HIS diary—and I know he keeps one. By the way, I know for a fact it was Hobbie, straight out of the medical wing. BEEP!

BEEP! YourhighnessIcomecleanitwasmepleasedon'tkillmeorfiremeIreallyneedthejoborelseit'sbacktosellingfriednerfsteakonCorellia! BEEP!

BEEP! Rieekan. Dak on the mend…apparently not as bad as Hobbie. The latter will be punished for that…incident…I assure you. Getting a transmission from an unknown ship. Unclear at present. Will redirect to you as soon as we can properly connect. BEEP!

BEEP! Hobbie. S-O-R-R-Y again. And, regarding your reply, fried nerfsteak isn't exactly a well-paying profession…but it sure tastes good! I can give you a free sample if you like! Mine is the best in the Galaxy (sniffs), just like…Grandma used to make it…BEEP!

BEEP! (automated voice) Redirected. Transmission. To. Princess. Leia. Organa. From. Main. Control. (static) You don't know me, and that's really not important right now. I'm just your average Imperial, trying to make a living on the _Executor_ to feed Ma and Pa. Listen, we're approaching Hoth, and pretty soon we'll land with our AT-AT's, and I can't handle the pressure!!! I feel so guilty! I—why no, Lord Vader. I was just ordering pizza…need some nourishment for the attack, right?—Uh, yes. We'll take fifty large pepperoni on whole wheat, and—what's that, my Lord?—uh, one small Chicago for Lord Vader, and better make it about 50,000 small cheese for the troopers…Half an hour? Great! BEEP!

**Good morning, CinnamonBuns600, you have 48, 000 unread messages.**


	5. Lando Calrissian's Triple Date

BEEP! _Greetings, you've reached Lobot at Cloud City Administration, Bespin. I am unable to take your transmission right now, so please leave your name and number after the beep. I will do my best to return you transmission. If you are calling for our Baron Administrator, Lando Calrissian, press 1. If you are calling Maintenance and Repairs, press 2. If you are calling Bespin Armed Forces, press 3. If you are calling for another specific person, press 4.-- _(Lando's voice) If you are another fangirl, please hang up!!!!!—BEEP!

BEEP! Hey Lando honey, it's Tracie calling. What do you _mean_, hang up? I thought you wanted me to call you at 0800??? BEEP!

BEEP! Housekeeping. Lando, we're gonna clean the top floor at 0900. That OK with you? BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Calrissian, this is Bespin Public Library. Your book, _Become a Businessman in a Week_ is now 32 weeks overdue. 32. Three-two. Would it be convenient if you returned it sometime this decade? There is a waiting list, you know. By the way, it appears that you cannot become a better businessman in one week if you've had it for 32 weeks…BEEP!

BEEP! It was just a speculation, Mr. Calrissian! BEEP!

BEEP! It's Commander Joe. Comic Universe has just opened in the south wing. Permission to splurge, sir? BEEP!

BEEP! Bespin Movie Rental. Your movie, _Buster the Magic Sarlacc_, is now 58 days overdue. There are precisely 68 toddlers on the waiting list. That will be 5600 credits. BEEP!

BEEP! Lando sweetie, it's your girlfriend Mary. Are we going out to the movies tonight? I hear _Sith Lord Bloody Sith Lord_ is playing. You can hold my hand through the scary parts! BEEP!

BEEP! Lando, it's Tracie again. So, you want to go to the movies, huh? Sure thing, honey. How about _Naboo Daisies Swaying in the Breeze_?

BEEP! It's Mary. Oh, I can't wait until our date! How about 1700 tomorrow? BEEP!

BEEP! Repairs, this is Janitor C45T8. All refreshers on the main level are hereby busted. Please do not use. BEEP!

BEEP! Hey, son. It's your dad. How's the mining coming? I hear you've done quite well for yourself. That's real good, since we haven't talked once since your college grad…BEEP!

BEEP! Hey mister. This is Bobby from Bespin. Can you return the movie? My mom says I can watch it at my birthday party, but it just won't be a good birthday party without _Buster the Magic Sarlacc_! BEEP!

BEEP! Mr. Calrissian, this is _Smooth Boys Own_ magazine. Your cover shoot is scheduled for 0700 tomorrow? Can you make it? We're also asking you to wear blue…fangirl appeal, you know? BEEP!

BEEP! Lando-sugar-muffin-honey-bunch, it's the love of your life, Jane! I was wondering, are you free to go to the movies tonight? And would you be up for seeing _Sith Lord Bloody Sith Lord_? It's only rated NC-17! BEEP!

BEEP! It's Tracie. Are you sure you want to go see _Sith Lord Bloody Sith Lord_ tonight? I mean, don't you think it'll be a little…gross? BEEP!

BEEP! Bespin Movie Rental. Because of the latest incident with the movie you rented, your rental card has been terminated. We suggest you take your sorry hide to a store. How about _Sleemo's Movies_? I hear they're very lenient….maybe it's due to the customers they get. Not exactly the type you'd want to mess with. BEEP!

BEEP! It's Jane. How's 1800? Tonight? BEEP!

BEEP! Tracie. Oh, Lando, I have a pedicure appointment at 1800. Ah, well. I'll cancel it for YOU!!! BEEP!

BEEP! Mary. So, 1800 works for me. You know, I'm so glad that we'll finally have a chance to talk alone…BEEP!

BEEP! This is Bespin Multiplex. Your purchase of four tickets for the 1800 premiere of _Sith Lord Bloody Sith Lord_ tonight has been confirmed. Please pick up your tickets at the box office approximately ten minutes before the showing. Have a nice day. BEEP!

BEEP! Hi, Lando, it's Tracie. Just parked my speeder. I'll meet you in the theatre. BEEP!

BEEP! Lando, Janie. My speeder's stuck in traffic…I hope I'm not late! Tell them not to start without me, OK? BEEP!

BEEP! Mary calling. I'm on my way, sweetie! BEEP!

BEEP! LANDO CALRISSIAN! How DARE you triple-date? I come into the theatre and see you sitting with two other girls? I'm GLAD I was stuck in traffic! Consider our relationship over. O-V-R. Over. BEEP!

BEEP! Tracie. Just wanted to let you know, I had nightmares last night. And, I'm no longer dating you. Do you honestly expect me to hang out with a low-down, slimeball, triple-dater? BEEP!

BEEP! This is Mary. I'm starting a political campaign against you. You _will_ have competition in our next election, mister. BEEP!

BEEP! Sir, it's Commander Joe. Have you seen the posters Miss Mary has posted all over Bespin? BEEP!

BEEP! No? Oh, they're pictures of you—or rather, your head—or rather, your head—on the body of Poggle the Lesser. The slogan is, uh, "NO MORE SLEEMOS! DOWN WITH LANDO," or something like that. Sorry, sir. BEEP!

**Good morning, slick_in_bespin, you have 88 unread emails. **


End file.
